Last Updated on January 4, 2024 by Kittredge Cherry
Henri J. M. Nouwen was a Catholic priest and bestselling author who wrestled with his own homosexuality. He died on Sept. 21, 1996.
Nouwen (1932-1996) remains one of the most popular and influential modern spiritual writers. He wrote more than 40 books, including The Wounded Healer
Nouwen never directly discussed his gay sexual orientation in his published writings, but he confided his conflict over it in private journals and conversations. These are documented in his outstanding and honest 2002 biography Wounded Prophet
Although Nouwen is not an officially recognized saint, his “spirituality of the heart” has touched millions of readers. Nouwen’s books have sold more than 2 million copies in over 22 languages. He emphasized relationships and social justice with core values of solitude, community and compassion.
His personal struggle with his sexual orientation may have added empathy and depth to his writing. “The greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity or power, but self-rejection,” he said. It is important to consider his gay orientation because it was part of his identity and to counteract negative stereotypes about LGBTQ people.
In some ways he is similar to Mychal Judge, the fire department chaplain who died helping others in the 9/11 terrorist attack. Both apparently were closeted gay men who stuck to a religious vow of celibacy and developed great sympathy for others from this hidden struggle. Their gay side was revealed posthumously by their friends and their private writings.
Considering Nouwen as gay gives fresh meaning to quotes such as this:
“We are not what we do. We are not what we have. We are not what others think of us. Coming home is claiming the truth. I am the beloved child of a loving Creator. We no longer have to beg for permission from the world to exist.”
Henri Nouwen in art
The icon of Nouwen at the top of this post was painted by Brother Robert Lentz, a Franciscan friar known for his innovative and LGBTQ-positive icons. Prints of the Henri Nouwen icon are available through Trinity Stores. It shows Nouwen in an open-handed pose. It calls to mind a prayer written by Nouwen in The Only Necessary Thing: Living a Prayerful Life
Dear God,
I am so afraid to open my clenched fists!
Who will I be when I have nothing left to hold on to?
Who will I be when I stand before you with empty hands?
Please help me to gradually open my hands
and to discover that I am not what I own,
but what you want to give me.
“Henri Nouwen” by Jeremy Steven Whitner
A frazzled rainbow halo suggests Nouwen’s inner turmoil over his own gay desires in a 2020 portrait by North Carolina artist Jeremy Whitner. He is a gay Christian mystic in process for ministry with the Disciples of Christ.
Henri Nouwen traveled the world
Nouwen was born in the Netherlands on Jan. 24, 1932. He was ordained as a Dutch Catholic priest for the Archdiocese of Utrecht, Holland, in 1957. Then he went on to study psychology. Nouwen taught at several theological institutes in his homeland and in the United States, including the divinity schools at Harvard and Yale.
In 1985 he began service in Toronto, Canada, as the priest at the L’Arche Daybreak Community, where people with developmental disabilities live with assistants. It became Nouwen’s home until his sudden death in 1996 at age 64. He died from a heart attack while traveling to Russia to do a documentary.
Henri Nouwen and Christ the Bridegroom
“Christ the Bridegroom” by Robert Lentz. Prints available from Amazon and Trinity Stores.
During his lifetime Nouwen commissioned Robert Lentz to make an icon for him that symbolized the act of offering his own sexuality and affection to Christ.
Research and reflection led Lentz to paint “Christ the Bridegroom” for Nouwen in 1983. It shows Christ being embraced by his beloved disciple, based on an icon from medieval Crete. “Henri used it to come to grips with his own homosexuality,” Lentz explained in “Art That Dares” by Kittredge Cherry. The chapter on Lentz includes this icon and the story behind it. “I was told he carried it with him everywhere and it was one of the most precious things in his life,” Lentz said.
Henri’ Nouwen’s spiritual vision
Nouwen gave the gift of his spiritual vision to generations of readers. He encouraged each individual to find their own mission in life with words such as these:
“Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone’s face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions.”
This is one of his most famous and inspiring quotes. It appears along with his face on mugs available at the DrinklingsCoffeeMugs Etsy shop.
Henri Nouwen’s face appears with one of his most famous quotes on a mug available at Etsy.
“When the imitation of Christ does not mean to live a life like Christ, but to live your life as authentically as Christ lived his, then there are many ways and forms in which a man can be a Christian.” — from “The Wounded Healer”
“My hope is that the description of God’s love in my life will give you the freedom and the courage to discover . . . God’s love in yours.” — from “Here and Now: Living in the Spirit”
Nouwen wrote about friendship in a way that echoes the writings of other “queer saints” and theologians who affirm same-sex love, such as Saint Aelred of Rievaulx, 17th-century English Puritan Richard Sibbes and 20th-century Russian Orthodox priest Pavel Florensky.
Friendship is one of the greatest gifts a human being can receive. It is a bond beyond common goals, common interests, or common histories. It is a bond stronger than sexual union can create, deeper than a shared fate can solidify, and even more intimate than the bonds of marriage or community. Friendship is being with the other in joy and sorrow, even when we cannot increase the joy or decrease the sorrow. It is a unity of souls that gives nobility and sincerity to love. Friendship makes all of life shine brightly. Blessed are those who lay down their lives for their friends.
The video below shows Nouwen speaking on “Being the Beloved” at the Crystal Cathedral in California in 1992.
One of the newest books about him is the 2012 biography “Genius Born of Anguish: The Life and Legacy of Henri Nouwen” by Michael Higgins, Nouwen’s official biographer.
A book “The Spiritual Life: Eight Essential Titles by Henri Nouwen” was published in 2016. It includes Intimacy, A Letter of, Consolation, Letters to Marc About Jesus, The Living Reminder, Making All Things New, Our Greatest Gift, Way of the Heart, and Gracias.
Links related to Henri Nouwen
“Henri’s Wound with a View” by Chris Glaser
Chris Glaser on Henri Nouwen’s sexuality (Huffington Post)
Henri Nouwen, on Andrew Sullivan and the “Blessing” of Homosexuality (Queering the Church)
To read this article in Russian, go to:
Генри Нувен: священник, писатель, гомосексуал (www.nuntiare.org)
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Top image credit:
“Henri Nouwen” by Br. Robert Lentz. Prints are available through Trinity Stores.
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This post is part of the LGBTQ Saints series by Kittredge Cherry. Traditional and alternative saints, people in the Bible, LGBTQ martyrs, authors, theologians, religious leaders, artists, deities and other figures of special interest to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender and queer (LGBTQ) people and our allies are covered.
This article was originally published on Q Spirit in September 2017, was expanded with new material over time, and was most recently updated on Sept. 20, 2023.
Copyright © Kittredge Cherry. All rights reserved.
Qspirit.net presents the Jesus in Love Blog on LGBTQ spirituality.
Henri Nouwen mugs are available at the DrinklingsCoffeeMugs Etsy shop.
I am a gay celibate layperson & a practicing Roman Catholic. In light of Pope Francis’ recent doctrinal declaration on same-sex blessings ‘Fiducia Supplicans’, I offer the following comment about your correspondence on Henri Nouwen. While Nouwen worked for l’Arche’, it was its founder rather than Nouwen who was outed for assaulting women. These were heteronormative abuse infringements of the rights of people with disabilities and have rightly been condemned. Nouwen’s homosexuality has absolutely nothing to do with it. The Catholic Church now teaches that people are born with orientations that are hetero or homonormative, so that the Church cannot & does not anymore persist in its former teaching that homosexuality is ‘gravely disordered’. However, Catholic marriage is procreative, which homosexual intercourse can never be, so the same-sex blessing ritual points the way towards a Catholic recognition that sex is additionally recreative for gay persons as an expression of love between two committed persons whether straight or gay for each other. Furthermore, to persist in claiming that Nouwen was in breach of his vow of celibacy is a grave accusation and for it to be held against Nouwen must be substantiated, which so far has not been conclusively proven. However, what it does do is to raise grave questions about the status of the person making these allegations some 35 years after Nouwen is alleged to have committed them. For the matter to be proven it will have to be known whether the plaintiff was an adult or a minor at the time, in which case he ought to have been in a position to politely decline Nouwen’s alleged advances. Additionally the same person’s emotional state of health at the time as well as now will need to be established, since his allegations are now accompanied by a disturbing number of posts which lend doubt about whether those making this allegation are (a) aware of Catholic teaching on the matter, (b) accept that there has been a major change in that teaching, and (c) are willing to satisfy a panel of Catholic canon lawyers whether their own attitudes and values in regard to human sexuality & relationship cohere with the doctrinal position of the Catholic Church. From where I stand, the barely literate response of some of Nouwen’s accusers suggests that not many of them would pass the three tests that I have identified. That being the case it constitutes a severe trespass on the character and reputation of Henri Nouwen that this matter is discussed further. Thank You.
What a beautiful article. I have always loved Henri Nouwen and his writings, and now that holds a much deeper meaning now that I know he was gay. Thank you for sharing, and for having such grace in responding to the comments above.
Being “ gay” and struggling with same sex attraction are not the same thing.
why has this article been published again, despite the allegations against him, and there even being one in the comments section!!!
I think it’s really bad taste to be celebrating and promoting the work of a serial abuser, regardless of their sexuality. Even worse that it’s not even talked about in the article, let alone challenged!
I searched, but I could not find any abuse allegations against Henri Nouwen except the one anonymous claim posted here in the comments.
Not to be overly critical, but: “Nouwen never directly discussed his gay sexual orientation in his published writings, but he confided his conflict over it in private journals and conversations… Despite his loneliness and same-sex attractions, there is no evidence that Nouwen ever broke his vow of celibacy.”
Okay, so how does this make him a saint? Had he instead come out in his published writings, he would have helped so many struggling victims of Roman Church homophobic propaganda. But in the end he stayed in his closet and did NOT save — did not liberate — himself or others. A lost opportunity to do some real good. So it seems Henry Nouwen remains a martyr — not in the sense of a witness to the Truth but rather as a victim of the Lie.
So far, it seems most “gay saints” turn out to be victims rather than victors. But isn’t Pauline Christianity itself founded on victimology? And, so, isn’t it time we dethrone the self-victimizing ideal of celibacy? And isn’t celibacy obviously more “unnatural” than any sexual act, expression, identity, or orientation?
Mark,
I really recommend you read John, Chapter 6. I think you are missing is that Henri Nouwen’s point was that Jesus is enough. Yes, it would have been good for him to explain his “why” for Celibacy …. John Chapter 6 days it well too
“When they found him on the other side of the lake, they asked him, “Rabbi, when did you get here?” Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, you are looking for me, not because you saw the signs I performed but because you ate the loaves and had your fill. Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.” Then they asked him, “What must we do to do the works God requires?” Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.” So they asked him, “What sign then will you give that we may see it and believe you? What will you do? Our ancestors ate the manna in the wilderness; as it is written: ‘He gave them bread from heaven to eat.’” Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, it is not Moses who has given you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is the bread that comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.” “Sir,” they said, “always give us this bread.” Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. But as I told you, you have seen me and still you do not believe. All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away. For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me. And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.””
John 6:25-40 NIV
Jesus statement that He is the bread of life is redirecting the seeker away from focus on physical need / urges to His sufficiency.
And everything starts and ends with Jesus and what is natural is then no longer relevant but is Godly.
“Saints” are broadly defined here. And being human, no saint is perfect. I don’t believe celibacy should be forced on people, but some do seem to have a calling to it. Perhaps today they are called “asexual” or “ace.” You’re right that Henri Nouwen can be seen as a victim of oppressive church teachings… what he might call a wounded healer.
Oh, does one have to come out publicly about their sexual orientation to be a saint? I didn’t realize such. Whatever one’s orientation, to live as Christ lived is the goal. He was more than his sexuality, like all of us.
A friend of mine posted a quote from Nouwen today.
“For Jesus, there are no counties to be conquered, no ideologies imposed, no people to be dominated, There are only children, men, and, woman to be loved”
My response:
Well yes … and no. Jesus wants to conquer countries by getting people to willfully embrace Godly ideology but not using methods of humans who are living according to the flesh. And it’s not love for love sake, it’s love within God’s created order and truth. Perhaps this is obvious to you, for some it is not.
There is a thing called unGodly compassion – where one defines loving as endorsing sinful behavior. A simple example is a.man who cheats on his wife or a woman who cheats on her husband and says I cannot control my urges, I was born this way …. Ungodly compassion says “that’s right, you deserve to be happy – and you do you.” Godly compassion loves the sinner, hates the results of sin, and gently brings the person to Jesus. This month “Pride Week” is the ultimate example of ungodly compassion; endorsing any behavior that brings a person away from God is no compassion at all – it is not love. As I understand it, Henri Nouwen himself was “same sex attracted” but chose holiness through celibacy as should all people, heterosexual or LGTBQ who are not in a committed, life long covenant marriage between one man and one woman.
“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
Galatians 6:1-2 NIV https://www.bible.com/111/gal.6.1-2.niv
Henri Nouwen’s struggles with his sexuality are no different than a heterosexual person who is struggling with bringing their sexual urges under the Lordship of Christ,
The simple truth is that God did not define human romantic relationship as the highest form of human relationship. The highest form of human relationship is first a relationship with the almighty God and second, living in loving and affirming friendship with those also on the journey with him.
Henri Nouwen’s comment was not an endorsement acting on same sex attraction or opppsit sex attractor but the power of human friendship and the more overarching fact that one can live without sexual intimacy but we are all created to live in intimate community with other humans, of all shapes , sizes, colors of skin, and sexual orientations in such a way that is consistent with Godly truth; A truth that does not create God in our own image but one where our imago dei is made perfect be conforming to His image.
Beautiful response and thank you!
Oh my God. Him too? Come on!
Yes, read his own journals. You should not be so upset that there are many great gay spiritual people.
Why should this bother you? Gay people are created in God’s image. Why are you so troubled by a gay priest who maintains his vow of celibacy? Prejudice, I posit.
One thing of realism to me about Henry’s words was his raw vulnerable emotional intensity and honesty. For many years I have remembered his words “With Open Hands”.
Some of the comments above about Henry have filled me with some disquit. From the distance of so many years it is hard for the general public to access the veracity of such claims.
If true it is terrible such unpriestly behaviour has had such psychological consequence. If untrue it is utterly distructive.
I am curious; what “terrible unpriestly behaviour” are you referring to?
Hi Terrence. I am referring the the accusations of “Anonymous” earlier in this blog. I have no way of knowing if these are true. I am not curious but sad. Either the reputation of a dead man has been much maligned or a cry for help and redress has not been heard. We will never fully know which now.
Oh my. I’ve read 2 or 3 of his books, and they are SOOOO painful to read, so full of self-repression (obvious to any LGBTQ+ person who grew up in a faith tradition), that all I could *feel* through them was that he was tormenting himself. But, having said that, he does plumb the depths of Christian love.
Some snippets from “Life of the Beloved” — so obviously in love with his friend: “Looking at him, I experienced a deep sympanthy — more than that I dare say — a deep love for this man.” “There was an element of fascination because I sensed, behind the mask of indifference, a spirit fully alive — eager to learn and to create…”
Over and over. They were thinly veiled expressions of desire. He was a man in love that could never be fulfilled. Sad.
This year for the first time I received several comments similar to yours on Facebook and Twitter… about how sad and difficult it is to read about how Nouwen tormented himself. I suppose it is a sign of progress that his struggle can now be seen as unnecessary and rooted in homophobia. But I don’t want to negate the integrity that he brought to his struggle and the fact that he wasn’t just torturing himself, but rather was tortured by oppressive church teachings that were imposed upon him until he internalized them.
Actually, he was a man in love………..with Jesus Christ. There is no earthly love that can compare to that. You see things through a worldly “desire,” not an otherworldly knowledge. All priests make a vow of chastity. He gave himself totally to the Lord God, what or to whom his attractions were, are irrelevant. Only those who try to define themselves by their sexuality instead of who they truly are in their soul go this route.
I acknowledge the suffering of the individual who commented here, and of everyone who was abused by priests. I acknowledge the role of the church and its members in covering up such truths. I acknowledge that benefits received by millions of people who read Nouwen’s books. I acknowledge that we are all imperfect human beings. In the words of Romans 3:23, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”
Tim fry
I have not seen your comment until now.
I was 34 –and as he visited the room where I was then renting he started to undress–I pushed him away and put him out the door.
Please see above– a fuller treatment.
I still pray every day and attend Mass—but am as angry and hurt as some are now.
Thank you
You did what you should have done. Pushed him out the door with an emphatic, “no.” There’s a higher standard for those with religious authority, and your experience is troubling at least. I hope you can forgive him, and free yourself. Human beings are complicated, and a mixture of good and bad. I know of so many women particularly who have dealt with this….and don’t let it define their relationships with men or God. I hope you are able to heal, knowing that you said your “no”. Henry was to blame, and now he and this transgression are in God’s hands. Take good care.
Other than my spiritual director/therapist and a few friends did I report it.
Neither she nor others suggested that I report it to any official. Who would I have? He was of the Utrecht diocese in Holland and for years lived in America, writing his “own ticket” as it were under no authority.
Back then people didn’t. He had already left Yale and it was before he went to Harvard. I never had contact again with him at all–I didn’t even write him, I was so traumatized.
Since then in the last 15 years I have written Robert Ellsberg (whom I have known since our Catholic Worker days) of Orbis books which still publishes Nouwen about this matter, and he refuses to stop publishing him, although he admits of having heard of his behavior.
I have also twice been in touch with Yale when they named a chapel after him (where I also said Mass) . I wrote to the president and Sr. Margaret Farley of Yale called me on his behalf—they went ahead and named the chapel, and recently a year ago when they hosted Ellsberg talking on Nouwen. Dean Sterling told me they would add my statements to a file but publicly would do nothing.
A few months ago I sent documents to Catholic New York newspaper and never heard back.
I also called the archdiocese office on abuse and was told by Sr. Eileen Clifford : “I’m sorry that happened but he was not in our diocese.”
Robert Ellsberg sits on the Dorothy Day Guild board with me. The head George Horton refuses to confront Ellsberg and told me: Robert and I have become friends, and besides I read Nouwen’s books years ago and they helped me.”!!!
When I next see Horton, I’ll ask him if McCarrick’s writings should still be published be cause “they helped some people.”
Henri Nouwen tried to molest me in April 1982 in New York City when I was seeking spiritual counsel.
The day following, distraught and shaken, I spoke with my spiritual director Sr. Dorothy Gallant for two hours. I also let know a friend, then chancellor of the diocese of Kansas City, as well as an associate of mine at the Catholic Worker here in NYC.
Years later I wrote the Vatican and submitted my testimony to Archbishop
Augustine DiNoia.
I also informed Sr. Margaret Farley of Yale as well as Yale’s president when
several years ago they were naming a chapel in honor of Nouwen.
He betrayed his priesthood and violated me.
Robert Ellsberg of Orbis Books knows of this sordid tale but refuses to cease publishing Nouwen, thus promoting a fraud and deceiver.
Sincerely yours,
[Name removed by request of the writer]
Hello sir,
I wonder how old you were when this happened to you? It is 35 years ago. Your implication is that no one whom you told in the church did anything.How terrible.
Thank you for having the courage to reveal the truth. I would say “God bless you”, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this experience hasn’t put you off religion for life.Anyway, I hope you have recovered, or are recovering. Happy Christmas, Tim.
Sir, was your testimony acted upon? Were you given an apology and any official acknowledgement of what happened?
Dear Anonymous. This troubles me considerably. He mist be exposed for this criminal act. I am sickened that people have not acknowledged your trauma. I know your post was 2017. It is now 2020 and I am wondering where thing are at now. I encourage you and believe that In your maturity God will give you clarity, wisdom, direction and courage to pursue this. God will expose his sin and the evil environment and infrastructure that has supported and continues to support him. God is in the process of bringing about justice to His children who have been so hurt. Be bold.